if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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