when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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