when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
