just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize