i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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