we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
