I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
