I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
