I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
