the condom got lost in my hair
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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