my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize