By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
