totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
