Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
