Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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