You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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