I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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