You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
