I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
