Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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