You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
