Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
