haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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