I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
