Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
40s are totally the cure
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
