I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
