Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
40s are totally the cure
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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