I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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