She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize