She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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