I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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