I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
