I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
