Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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