Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
