Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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