I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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