remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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