omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
