U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
