It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
