just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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