he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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