seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
