Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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