New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
