My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
