then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
