Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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