Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
