Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You ruined the universe
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
