it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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