Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize