Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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