he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize