I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
