I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
