I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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