apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
