thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I didn't notice because vodka
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
