I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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