Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
