had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
